I’ve been thinking about a phrase I used in my last post about loneliness: Anchor Person. I don’t know where that came from, as I’ve never used it before. I was using it to mean the role a partner might play for us, but when I wrote it, I suppose I was thinking about a core partner or loved one. My mom has been this person for me until recently.
But what does Anchor Person really mean? And what part might a companion like that play in our lives when we are trying to untie our lines?? Does living untethered imply a life without a person who is weighing us down, like an anchor? My first reaction was just that – Why would I want an anchor person when I’m trying to design a life of freedom? I actually thought about taking down the post and removing the whole section about wishing for an anchor person – because maybe that’s not what I want. But instead, I think the topic is worth exploring.
Rather than digging into the role companions play for us, I thought I’d start with the role anchors play. Anchors are part of the boat. They must be strongly attached to the boat so that the boat stays in one place when the captain chooses to stop the boat. They are leveraged to give the captain a much-needed respite from the adventure at sea. There is so much comfort in knowing that the boat has a solid anchor, and there is always relief when the boat is firmly anchored at the end of a voyage because the crew can relax. And most importantly, there is trust in the anchor to keep the crew safe while the boat is in the harbor.
When I think about what I might be looking for in a companion, I can draw a lot of similarities to an actual anchor:
- Connection – The anchor and the boat are one. A boat without an anchor is pretty useless because it won’t be able to stop and remain somewhere on its own. While the zen master is continually trying to achieve an existence without attachment, there is a certain necessity of attachment when we think about a companion. Humans crave connection so that we can feel seen, express love, nurture one another – without connection, these basic human expressions of love and care are difficult – like operating a boat without an anchor. We are designed to experience deep connection with other humans and an anchor person provides the opportunity to grow and nurture a deep connection.
- Comfort – The anchor allows the boat to rest. When we find the right companion, we can relax with that person, we can be ourselves. We can sit down after days at sea, dirty and tired, and say whatever comes out of our mouths without filter – knowing that we are loved and safe. An anchor person serves as a comfort and being with that person is what we look forward to most after our journey.
- Trust – The anchor is deeply trusted to keep the boat safe and grounded. Anchors provide a solid footing for the boat and require a strong sense of trust – knowing that once the anchor is set, the boat will remain in place. That sense of trust is critical in an anchor person. Trust is also one of the things that makes us feel most vulnerable. If the anchor fails, the boat could be destroyed by crashing into a rocky shore, or the boat could go drifting out to sea. Similarly, if trust is broken in an anchor person, there can be significant emotional devastation. But regardless of the risks, trust is still critical. Because we can’t fully relax, feel connection, and enjoy our journey without trusting that we are safe and grounded.
So the anchor is not a weight that the boat/captain carry around like a burden, but rather, the anchor plays a vital role in the adventure as a whole. The anchor is part of the journey.
All of this is a long-winded analogy to help me understand what I meant by this odd phrase I used. I am obviously journeying without an anchor right now – or maybe I’ve cobbled an anchor together with many different people in my life, but it doesn’t feel the same because it would be like throwing hundreds of small weights overboard whenever the boat stops. It helps explain my sense of loneliness, I suppose. I also want to acknowledge that we all need an anchor. We need these companions in our lives that are our closest people. We actually need them on our journey, just as the boat needs its anchor.