One of the lessons I’ve learned as I’ve been untying my lines is that I struggle with boundaries. One of the primary reasons that I couldn’t stay in my marriage is that if I asserted myself to achieve equal footing in the partnership, I would trigger my partner and end up on the receiving end of significant attacks and emotional abuse. If he felt threatened in any way, then I would be punished. I grew up in a household where there was a similar dynamic, but it was much more based on guilt and emotional manipulation. So I suppose I was an easy target. But you quickly learn to keep your mouth shut. You learn that to keep order and peace, you don’t rock the boat. You don’t question anything, you don’t share an unpopular opinion. You do everything in your power to ensure order so that there isn’t an explosion. And you learn that if there is an explosion, it’s your fault.
In my efforts to break free, I have had a lot of unpopular opinions, I have asserted myself and I’ve been perceived as the villain. And I’ve realized that I struggle with boundaries in far more than just my partner relationship. I have to set boundaries with my clients, I have to set boundaries with my children, I have to establish boundaries with friends. I have to be comfortable turning away salespeople and politicians at my front door. I didn’t realize that people do this sort of boundary setting every day – it’s the normal course of business. And while some people make it look easy, it’s not easy. Especially for women.
There seems to be an artform to setting boundaries that I’ve never learned. My efforts at setting boundaries seem to take the form of the following:
- Apologetic boundaries – “I really want to do the thing you are asking me to do, and I’m SOOOOOOOOOOOO sorry, but I can’t do that today because I have another commitment. I feel awful and I’m a terrible friend and I will totally make it up to you!”
- Making excuses – “I am so overwhelmed with the kids and work and chores. I’m so sorry, I really have been struggling and I need some time to get myself back together; I’m no fun to be around right now.” (see how I snuck an apology in there as well??!!)
- Overly assertive boundaries – “You crossed a line with me and now I’m never speaking to you again. I don’t need that kind of toxicity in my life.”
- Beating around the bush boundaries – “I love so many things about you and I can’t stop loving all of the things we do, and I have been thinking that if there was just this little thing that could be different in our dynamic, our friendship would just be like PHENOMENAL!!”
- Flat-out Anger – “I can’t!!!!!! Leave me alone!! For f*ck sake!!!!”
I am sure that there are better ways to set boundaries. I have been trying transparency, honesty and vulnerability and that seems to work much better – but it takes so much courage. We have to speak our truth and be comfortable with the outcome. I have come to the conclusion that our culture, in general, is not comfortable with this sort of boundary setting. As a woman, when we set normal, honest boundaries, we still get labeled as bitchy. The expectation is for us to be apologetic about it. I’m baffled by this. We collectively keep apologizing for setting the boundaries.
When I continue to set boundaries with my ex and attempt to assert myself, I continue to get abuse in return. There is always going to be this dynamic. And there might be these people in your life, that as you begin to set honest boundaries, the other will freak out. I guess this is where untying my lines plays a big part in my boundary setting. It is incredibly important to me that I am a strong, capable woman, articulating my needs and not backing down from my truth. It is incredibly important to me to model this for my children, and it’s critical for me build upon the work of my mother and my grandmothers so that our children can have voices that are heard and respected.
Ultimately, living a life that is full of love and focused on pursuing my bliss requires me to set boundaries, stick to them and be disciplined about how I spend my time and who I spend my time with. Otherwise, I would continue to follow the same pathways that were making me feel so stuck. It’s not easy, and I often look like a fool in my attempts to set boundaries, but my pursuit is just that important